Monologue

Reuben The Great · Monologue

Here is a comedic monologue I've written in about 30 minutes for sketch comedy auditions tomorrow. Enjoy!

Comedic Monologue

They told me to just be myself. That’s what all the greats did, and it worked out…well great for them. Just be myself, I kept telling myself. But then I started to think, what if they didn’t like (quote fingers) myself. I mean personally I don’t think they have to like me; they just have to stand me for a couple minutes.

They also told me I had to be funny! And by they, I mean my mom. Mothers always know best. So I had to be funny. But what kind of funny? I mean, Eddie Murphy funny or Bob Barker funny?

That reminds me, Bob Barker. Good ol’ Bob Barker. Now he was funny. Well, not deliberately funny but just his overall character you know? (mocking Bob) Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets! I ran to the vet as soon as I could when he told me that. I mean, remember what he did to Happy Gilmour? Wouldn’t want any of that happening to me!

I’ve always wanted to be funny, a comedian even. And when I told my mom that, she laughed. Which I thought was a good sign for a comedian, but was actually a disappointment. So (thinking) be myself, and be funny. Isn’t that a direct breaking of the rules then? I can’t be funny if I’m being myself! (Rubbing stomach) I should have listened to the third rule, always eat something before your audition, but not too much. “Not too much” being the key phrase here. Mom says it’s like running a car without gas, but I beg to differ. I had a hearty bowl of boiled asparagus, fried eggplant, and plenty of beans. There’s plenty of gas to go around.

And the last rule Mom told me before heading off this morning, was never to forget my past. Corny, I know, but I shant ever forget. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Chicago, in the ghetto. I stayed there for a while, but the whole comedy thing never really worked out. Try walking up to a gangster in the ghetto and asking if he’s heard the one where the guy walked into a bar. From personal experience, I’d recommend not to.

From there I moved to a far away place called Oklahoma City, and lived there for four days until having to attend my high school. An insecure comedian from the ghetto doesn’t exactly fit in easily. (wondering) For some odd reason people keep telling me we’re in Hamilton, but I’ve never heard of a city in Oklahoma named Hamilton.

And now here I’m here at the beautiful Oklahoma Country Club, trying to make it as a stand-up. (looking around) Why, this isn’t a half bad place you’ve got here! (Walking to curtain) Except for the ugly upholstery the place is magnificent. I digress. I’m being myself, I’m attempting to make you laugh, I’ve eaten and I haven’t forgot my past. But I have a confession. I really haven’t prepared anything for you folks today. Except for rambling about my mother and my past, I’ve really wasted your time, which I apologize for. Why, this really hasn’t been half bad, has it?

BrianMillerMagic

Best of luck man, let us know how it goes.

Michael Kras

It was supposed to be today but things did not turn out as expected. That means I'll have time to get my monologue in shape!

Also, this seems like a very interesting monologue. I will have to see you perform it at the audition. It seems very Kaufman-esque. Andy Kaufman is one of my comedic idols.

Ben Train

It's got a very "dated" feel- referencing people and things that are from periods before you were born.

Is this intentional? If so, I'm feelin' it bro! If not, you may want to rethink some things.

I'm sure it'll go well though!

Ben

Michael Kras

I know Reuben's style and think I can say it is all intentional.

Reuben The Great

And all I can say is your right Mike. Althuogh I don't like this type of style in magic, such as people referring to things that they obviously have no business referring to, when performed this type of comedy really sells. In the right hands at least. The last thing we want is a 9 year old talking about how great the fifties were.

Michael Kras